Entries for March, 2008
Chewing gum while peeling onions will prevent you from crying.
[Instead of beginning this entry with a conventional opening paragraph, I have effectively grabbed your attention with an interesting and useful fact for which I would take credit but won't in fear of Snapple's factoid copyright infrigement enforcer mafia henchmen... guys.]
We now return you to your regularly scheduled transplanted introductory paragraph.
I have put off writing for what amounts to eight months because I have convinced myself that I have nothing interesting to write about.
This is a lie. I have many interesting things to write about. The problem lies not within the potential material for writing but the unmotivated [but still ridiculously charming] writer.
[Also, the previous sentence contained three "I have" statements. Does that say something obliquely significant about my greedy, materialistic American consumerist mindset?]
Since I've last written, I've managed to stay in school [they say it's cool], driven about 15,000 miles in search of Neverland / Noah's Ark / my real parents adventure, made new and exciting friends [both wanted and unwanted, if you know what I mean], saved someone's life [story later, if you want it], and grew a ponytail. All prime topics for recollection and witty tabulation. Alas, I have the persistence of a mayfly and the diligence of a two-toed sloth.
I'm finding that I am experiencing some difficulty in grabbing at a large enough lump of ideas to mold into a substantial paragraph. The italicized sentence above had promised a smooth transition from the unorthodox non-sequitur attention-grabbing hook line to the old-school back-to-the-classics journal entry format that we traditional webloggers [I hate that term] have come to love and overuse to the point of stagnancy. I have fallen far short of fulfilling that promise.
[That last one was a disgusting example of how far my writing has degenerated in my absence.]
I don't really know what prompted me to start writing here again, save for the convenient fact that I was in the library at two in the morning on the eve of the recommencement of classes after a wonderful spring break. There is something to be said for the silent desperation that seems to always accompany impending classes. For those who know me [and most of you probably know me too well], I'm not a huge fan of structured edumacation.
If I start writing regularly again, it will be interesting to see how my writing and outlook on life have changed during the hiatus. I hereby declare a shout out to all my old tabulas friends, and welcome new readers to my humble [ha-ha] abode.
Most humans are incapable of holding both their elbows in one hand.
[Sorry. I felt like I was straying dangerously close to the tracks of a coherent train of thought. That one was mine, by the way. No Snapple-men-aluminum-bat-to-kneecap today.]
[I utilize far too many brackets in my writing.]
Perhaps next time I'll replace brackets with ^ signs. Then all my side-thoughts will look like happy Asian emoticons with funny-looking noses.
Written by jihwan at 02:50 AM.
As one who possesses a pretty charismatic personality, I sometimes feel an obligation to be funnier, wittier, or engaging-er than I may care to be. This is not to say that I force myself to be someone I'm not, but there are definite instances in which I've gone for the eight when a five would have sufficed.
All right, that didn't make any sense.
^Note to self: numbers plus analogical examples equals a literary no-no.^
Wow. Those carats are awkward.
[Despite my vows to discontinue the use of brackets for my typographical asides, the ^rambleramble^ format just isn't working.]
Welcome back, brackets. You are my friend.
GETTING BACK ON TRACK.
Perhaps a literal example would work better than my piss-poor attempts to integrate math and writing. [Hey, I go to a liberal-arts college. Real-world application of interdisciplinary studies? I'm SUPPOSED to do this sort of thing!]
Typical scenario with some friends while strolling across campus, holding a normal conversation and yelling at Jihwan for walking too slowly. Give or take a friend, splash in the occasional raindrop, add a couple squeaks from the local squirrels, and cue Jihwan complaining about being sleepy or hungry or how there are too many women in his life.
[That last part, believe it or not, is true.]
[SHUT UP! IT IS, ALL RIGHT?]
Friend: I hope the post office has my care package. My parents/friends/ex-boyfriend-Byzantine-battalion-commander sent me candy/postcards/flaming boulder catapults. Golly, people LOVE me!
Jihwan [Option five]: That's cool. I hope you get your package. I'm glad you have something to look forward to. When you're happy, I'm happy. Because you're my friend. And friends are happy for their friends. That's what friends do. Hug?
Jihwan [Option eight]: I hear care packages give you face cancer.
-----
Because I don't feel like studying, I think I'll spend my time trying to outline the various forms of humor that I employ on a regular basis. These have become so engrained into the way I interact in situations that it's pretty difficult to dissect. But whatever. I'm so great.
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1. Pop-culture:
Friend: It's a pretty warm day. What's the temperature?
Jihwan: IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!!
2. Slapstick:
Friend: Need a phone? Here, you can use mine. Catch!
Jihwan: *Lets phone hit him in the face, then proceeds to sob uncontrollably*
3. Funny Bad Joke:
Friend: Ugh, who farted? It smells like ass in here.
Jihwan: YOUR FACE SMELLS LIKE ASS IN HERE!
4. Academically witty:
Friend: Oh, the dining halls have fresh fruit out today! I think I'll grab an apple. What about you?
Jihwan: Do I dare to eat a peach?
5. Non-Sequitur:
Friend: Hi, Jihwan. I was just looking for you. How did your exam go?
Jihwan: *headbutt*
-----
I FAIL AT EXAMPLES TODAY.
Written by jihwan at 11:41 PM.
I'm currently sitting in a study room in the library with a MacBook laptop that I've checked out from the tech services desk, and I can swear that people are spying on me through the little built-in camera. It seems that everyone and their various head tumors are running around with Apple computers, smug and comfortable in their obvious superiority in choosing a product that only has one mouse button and can't differentiate between the Delete key and the Backspace key. Listen, I don't want to have to press a button on my keyboard and then click my mouse button when I can RIGHT-CLICK.
[Ladies, don't leave your computer on while you change. Your computer is watching you.]
Enough creepy rambling. Staci noted that my writing style had changed - a significant claim, considering she's been exposed to my writing for... how many years now? [I'm rambling again.]
Anyway, instead of studying, I decided to sit down and write. It's pretty rough around the edges, but I kind of liked the result. This is my first real piece of writing in a long-ass time, so too bad if you don't like it.
Hope you enjoy.
(A Sketch)
Written by jihwan at 12:42 AM.
Two thoughts today.
Thought Number One:
There are a few things bothering me. Since I like the idea of hierarchy [I sometimes imagine that I would enjoy living under a monarchy], I think I'll rank them.
THINGS THAT BOTHER JIHWAN AND SHOULD THUS BE SMITTEN:
[Not smitten as in 'all the girls are smitten with Jihwan' smitten, but SMITTEN as in, I SHALL SMITE YOU AND EAT YOUR FESTERING CORPSE, YOU MANGY CUR! smitten.]
[Ugh, now the word sounds weird because I've said it too many times. Don't you hate when that happens? Smitten. Sounds like some stupid German pastry. SCHMITTEN.]
1: THE WEATHER. It's been crappy. This time last year, I would be frolicking in the grass with the butterflies, obnoxiously crowing, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas Springtime!" It's almost April, for crying out loud [although I don't usually cry out loud, so that would make me a melodramatic liar], and today it SNOWED. No butterflies. They probably all froze to death. If I could punch the sky in the face, then I would punch the sky in the face. Twice.
1.5: [It's my site and I'll number them any damn way I want to.] EYELINER. I can't get this stupid black stuff off my eyes, and now my eyes burn from all the hot water and soap and battery acid I've been rubbing on them. Why does Jihwan have eyeliner on, you may ask? It's no big secret, but just to be a jackass, I won't say.
3.14: (People who think college basketball is better than pro ball.) [If you don't care about basketball, then don't click the link. A massive wall of text will pile-drive you in the face, and you'll hate me. And if you hate me, you won't come back to this site. And if you don't come back to this site, I can't feel popular.]
4: The fact that I just wrote all that crap. I blame global warming. And Shaq. And your ugly face.
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Thought Number Two:
I'm seriously looking into attending a creative writing program for graduate school. I've finally declared myself an English major [doubling up with a major in Classical Studies], something that I feel was a long time coming. Since most of the top programs [Iowa, Cornell, UCI, etc.] fund their students throughout the program, I wouldn't have to worry about money for grad school. Some schools even give you "creative stipends." Basically, you get $6,000 a year for "travel and research to further develop one's writing." Plus, I'd get to learn and write with some of the greatest literary minds in the best programs in the country. Many graduates end up getting published soon after receiving their M.F.A's from the program. Sound good? It does to me.
The problem? Most of these programs have frighteningly, discouragingly, ridiculously, pants-wettingly low acceptance rates. Places like Syracuse and Virginia accept about five students a year. Five. From all over the nation.
I'd begin to worry, but everyone knows that Jihwan is a shoe-in. I mean, he's only competing against the best writers in the country for acceptance into these programs. How hard can that be?
I think I'm going to go stab myself in the eye now.
Written by jihwan at 02:04 AM.