Entries for March, 2006
February has fluttered past my window with a glittery whirl of red and pink, leaving behind the sweet aroma of overindulgence. Here I sit, forcing myself to write to preserve what little compositional finesse I've cultivated; practice makes perfect, and I'll be damned if I can't fool myself into believing I'm getting better.
It's March already? I could be boring and remark that "time flies," or that time passed "in the blink of an eye," or something equally uninspired, but I won't. I must keep my nose to the whetstone. I keep myself up to high standards of writing so that I won't be reduced to parroting trite aphorisms to express myself. I don't want to be like those visiting distant relatives that stare blankly at you for a good 13 seconds then suddenly explode in showers of "how much you've grown!" or "you get more handsome every year!" because of a severe lack of original thought and meaningful conversation. Unfortunately, my arsenal of freshness and novelty has rusted over, and nothing original comes to mind.
Boy, time flies, doesn't it?
I enjoy March. I don't know why - maybe it's because some unnamed authority of the seasons somewhere declared March the herald of Spring, or because for as long as I can remember I've associated March with a vibrant, crisp shade of green. The kind of fresh green you imagine blanketing dew-laden Irish meadows, the green of a supple clover leaf budding out of a bed of dark, rich soil. March is a revitalizing month for me.
I don't like rainy days, for grey skies do not inspire me to take heart and venture forth to seize the day. The day after a good shower, though, is a beautiful sight to behold. Everything is so clean, so pristine, and the air so pure, that you can turn toward the distant mountains and see every detail on the highest peaks. It makes you feel so small, yet so significant - the ultimate identity paradox. All the smog and dust have been washed away, and every breath you take seems like a direct inhalation of the highest stratosphere of the world. It almost hurts to taste the sharp, natural air, and you feel so cleansed. I adore that feeling.
Expression is good for the soul. Writing is the jazz of life.
Written by jihwan at 12:51 AM.
I am of the firm belief that every piece of writing one creates has the potential to become something great. The modus operandi is both simple and complex, neither easy nor difficult. It requires a little bit of everything - a grasp of the fundamentals, a measure of imagination, a touch of inspiration, and a dash of luck.
It doesn't happen every time, and it often falls short of your pre-conceived image of the final product. You look at others' works - the Othellos, the Waldens, the Prufrocks - and you see true masterpieces. But you're not satisfied; you desire your own chef d'oeuvre, a work that inspires the wretched and makes nations weep, a showpiece that whispers your name throughout the chambers of the masses' hearts.
Start small and build up. Don't be discouraged by crooked metaphors or tattered developments; don't give up on your imagery and your interpretations. Writing is a fluid art, and it becomes what you make it. Shape it, mold it into the essence of you, and be proud of your work. So when you're sitting in front of your computer at half-past two, wondering why your essay on "Agape Love" is not progressing as it should, take a bit of time to work on your writing. The little blurb you write in your notepad or the lines you doodle on your paper may be the next great movement of your symphony. Don't be afraid to experiment, to try something different, and to entertain the what-ifs. When you can touch others with your work and open someone else's eyes to trying his hand at writing, you've created something great.
This is a message to the writers who are waiting for their masterpiece to emerge, a thank you note to those who have inspired me to write, an endeavor to inspire others to unfetter their doubts and express themselves. May your souls sound their barbaric yawps over the rooftops of the world.
Written by jihwan at 04:24 AM.
So, my friend and I were talking about this girl that he thinks is cute. His infatuation has led to him to constantly stare at said girl every chance he gets. But it seems that my friend is not very good at the whole 'subtle' thing. So naturally, he turned to me for advice. For I am the Kung-Fu Zen Shaolin Samurai Viking MASTER at surreptitiously staring at girls.
Friend: i think she's caught me staring at her a few times
Me: zOmg u n00b
Me: lern2creepstare
Friend: sorry, haven't had the need to in a while
Me: give me $3.4 million, your girlfriend, your left testicle, and your soul and i shall teach you my ways - that's my price, and i dont negotiate
Friend: screw you!
He gave in to my demands 38 seconds later. But just so I can cheat him, I shall share with you a chapter from Jihwan's Kung-Fu Zen Shaolin Samurai Viking Master Arts of Stalking Girls©.
Lesson Seven: The Stare
1. Firstly, and most importantly, you must choose your battlefield carefully. Women are crafty, ever-watchful creatures, and deploying your tactics from the wrong vantage point can result in a fate worse than death. Thus, a position in front of your target is a death sentence - your cover's blown if you have to turn around in your chair every two minutes to admire her silky hair and and creamy complexion. You must stay out of her immediate range of sight, yet close enough to get a clear view of your target. This usually means a position somewhere behind her, from a distance ranging from 2 feet to 5 yards, depending on your eyesight. If you wear contacts or glasses, you may wish to stick closer to the shorter end of the spectrum to maximize your view.
2. Secondly, you must be vividly acute of both yours and her peripheral vision. This is crucial because your peripheral vision will be your main tool to recognize an opening so that you can stare at your target girl for a few seconds. With practice, you will become so adept at recognizing opportunities that you will be able to stare at her for minutes on end without being noticed and reported. It is extremely difficult, if impossible, for any mortal to reach my level of skill, at which you will be able to gaze lovingly at your subject of infatuation for 40 straight days while using your pencil to carve the inside of a hard boiled egg into a perfect three-layered origami flower so that when you crack the eggshell open, the flower will bloom and spray love toxins into the air amid soft sounds of the seashore and the lyrical twittering of morning forest larks. I have included a visual aid so that you may better understand the importance of positioning and distance in this endeavor.
3. Next, you must develop your skills in stealth operations. There are several techniques that I have developed over the course of my 400-year youth. [I owe my incredibly longevity to my diet - nothing but raw onions and weak Oolong tea.]
a. The Philosopher - Pretty straightforward. You pretend to jot something down in your notepad, then stare musingly in her general direction as if you're in deep contemplation over your next bit of literary genius. Take this opportunity to study the back of her slender neck and the light frame of her gentle shoulders. Snap your fingers, furiously jot something down in your notepad, then repeat. Use discretion when using this technique, for an overeager amateur can easily jump the gun on the finger snaps and soon she will notice the strange man behind her, apparently keeping time to an inaudible jazz band. Your cover's blown; quickly desert the premises before the police arrive on the scene.
b. The Agitated Tiger - Requires a bit of preparation. You need to have either a laptop computer, a PDA, or cellular phone. You also need to be wearing a well-cut 3-piece suit to fit the profile of an important businessfellow constantly getting feeds about his stocks or phone calls from important overseas business associates. Every so often, glance at your computer/PDA and/or jabber angrily into your cell phone, then sigh disgustedly and bury your face into your hands. While you knead your forehead out of frustration, take the time to observe your love's gorgeous hair and sharp sense of style through the gaps in your fingers and hands. Do not overuse this technique, because sooner or later, the professor/security guard/suspicious coffeeshop owner will take compassion on you and offer you an aspirin. Your cover's blown. Unsheathe your katana and initiate Hara Kiri.
c. The Swan Neck Stretch - This technique is strictly an emergency manuever. I repeat, only employ this tactic if the girl notices you staring at her. So, you've used your basic techniques to sneak a few peeks at her beautiful self, but all of a sudden, she glances over and your eyes meet. DO NOT PANIC. At this point, the girl does not know your intentions - chances are, she'll probably break eye contact with you before you have a chance to react. Just to cover tracks, though, here is what you do. Calmly crane your neck toward her, then fully oscillate your head around and about, as though she caught you in mid neck-stretch. Make sure you stretch your neck to the side of the room directly opposite her, to leave no doubt as to what your 'real' intentions were. Proceed carefully after this incident, as she will be a bit more wary to her surroundings. Force yourself to ignore her for at least 45 seconds to silence any and all alarms going off in her head. Then resume stealth stance.
4. A more intricate art is the art of timing. With practice, you will be able to effectively anticipate and judge her actions so that you will be able to maximize your adoration sequences. I provide one example: if you catch her looking over at you with your peripheral vision, then you are guaranteed a minimum of 15-30 seconds of a free stare as soon as she turns back. She will not allow herself to glance over at you any sooner than this time period, for she becomes the starer then. In order to prevent this, she will go into her forced ignore stance [see 3c.]. This is why peripheral vision is so important - it allows to you see and react to moves and slipups that your subject may make, and this gives you an advantage in your love gaze standoff.
5. Remember, the skills of the trained cannot be used for the forces of evil. As I've always said, with great power comes great responsibility. Learn to temper your skills, young grasshopper, and go forth into the mysterious depths of the female psyche.
If any of you wish to purchase the full handbook on how to master the ninja stealth skills of staring at girls, then feel free to contact me. The complete guide also contains such priceless advice on topics such as "My girlfriend has tusks! How do I kiss her?" and "If NO means YES, then why the kick to the balls?!" Also, if you purchase the guide, you will also receive a complimentary ninja asskick mask, which will endow you with the ability to crush bricks between your nipples and grind glass with your gums.
You know where to reach me. You know my price. Call me.
Written by jihwan at 01:24 AM.