Entries for February, 2004

These entries, all 144 of them, are my thoughts.

An idea, however abstract the concept may be, is somehow formed within the bunch of gray mass in my head. This idea travels across the network of cerebral connections and ignites various parts of my brain, so that I am conscious of the thought.

Thanks to language, I am able to form a logical, verbal representation of the idea. My brain then fires off billions of electrical signals down my arms so that I could relay these thoughts onto a worldwide network called the internet.

My thought takes on the form of hard electricity and data, and spread themselves across the world. In New York, Singapore, or Korea, someone is walking down the impossibly long hallway of the internet and decides to open the door of my website.

My thoughts, released from their electric captivity, are displayed as thousands of pixels of color that amazingly fit together to form a piece of writing that one is able to read. The reader is, in some inexplicable way, affected by the material he or she has just read.

For some people, it is difficult, if not impossible, to relay their thoughts and feelings to a person sitting right next to them. I am able to spread my thoughts and feelings to people around the world. You are currently experiencing my own bursts of neural activity. You are somehow influenced by the ideas and emotions depicted here.

Be amazed. You have been touched by something non-physical.

Written by jihwan at 08:54 PM.

2 x 0 = 0

I'm feeling unusually contemplative these days. I seem to have bypassed the cynical phase and moved on to trying to delve deeper into my thoughts the past few weeks. I've noticed that reader responses are usually associated with the level of angst, so I expect people to be silent on these topics that I find to be strangely important.

Today during lunch I was just pondering such topics like the origin of the universe, the philosophy of life, and the process of cake-baking, when I noticed a ladybug traipsing along on the ground.

I put my finger out, and the little bugger crawled up and proceeded to explore my hand with a sort of determined fervor. It scaled the summit of my hand and tried to fly away, but it seemed to be unable to take off from the tip of my finger. I looked at it closely and noticed that its shell was burnt and that its wings were shattered. I let it wander around the expanse of my hand for the rest of lunch, and when the bell rang I released it so that it could go do what ladybugs do.

Being the overly sensitive guy this week, I mulled it over in my head for the rest of the day. As I'd watched the little red insect, I'd felt a sort of superiority and pity for the thing. Without its wings, the bug wouldn't be able to do much but crawl along the ground until death ultimately caught up with it. But it kept going, regardless of whether or not it understood the concept of futility.

I could make so many allusions and analogies to our own human lives, but it seems useless. I'm just going to be thinking about this one for a while.

Written by jihwan at 11:32 PM.

4 x 0 = 0

My English teacher read this out to us during class, and I liked it. So I present it to you, along with a few of my own additions.

Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek, blessed are they that mourn, blessed are the merciful, blessed are they that thirst for justice, blessed are you when persecuted, blessed are you when you suffer; be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.

Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And Andrew said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And James the son of Zebedee said, "Will we have a test on this?"
And Philip said, "I don't have any paper."
And Bartholemew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "I have to go to the bathroom."
And Thomas said, "What does this have to do with real life?"
And James the son of Alphaeus said, "Can we get extra credit for this?"
And Simon the Zealot said, "Can we watch a video instead?"
And Matthew said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And Thaddaeus said, "I must disagree with that a little bit."
And Judas said, "This doesn't address the special needs of historically under-represented minorities."

Then one of the Pharisees, who was present, asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and inquired of Jesus, "where is your anticipatory set and your objectives in the cognitive domain? Which elements of the taxonomy of educational indices are being adressed both in your guided-group practice and in your remediation activities?"

Jesus wept.

Written by jihwan at 07:51 PM.

5 x 0 = 0

I was flipping through an issue of Sports Illustrated when I came across an advertisement by Adidas. It came with a cool poster, so I jacked it. The poster portrayed well-known atheletes such as Laila Ali, Tim Duncan, and the rabble, and each picture had a saying that I assume was supposed to sound tough.

IMPOSSIBLE IS JUST A BIG WORD THROWN AROUND BY SMALL MEN WHO FIND IT EASIER TO LIVE IN THE WORLD THEY'VE BEEN GIVEN THAN TO EXPLORE THE POWER THEY HAVE TO CHANGE IT. IMPOSSIBLE IS NOT A FACT. IT'S AN OPINION. IMPOSSIBLE IS NOT A DECLARATION. IT'S A DARE. IMPOSSIBLE IS POTENTIAL. IMPOSSIBLE IS TEMPORARY. IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING.

Whatever balding, possibly impotent, over-the-hill marketing executive came up with this piece of worthless crap should be fired. News flash, Jackass. I don't know what kind of easily-influenced target audience you're trying to fool, but this ad sure as hell isn't gonna convince any potential consumer with a reality check.

It's impossible for Ali to suddenly make a return to boxing and last 10 rounds with Oscar. It's impossible for an autistic child to win the Nobel Prize for Social Psychology. It's impossible for communism to become a successful world power. It's impossible for Jihwan Kim to get drafted by the NFL.

I have a better ad for you.

IMPOSSIBLE IS A PRAGMATIC WORD USED BY REALISTIC MEN WHO FIND IT MORE WORTH THEIR WHILE TO WORK WITH WHAT THEY HAVE THAN TO VAINLY GRASP AT A FLEETING DAYDREAM THAT THEY CAN'T ACHIEVE. IMPOSSIBLE IS A FACT. IT'S A HARD FACT. IMPOSSIBLE IS INESCAPABLE. IT'S THE DIVIDING LINE BETWEEN WHAT YOU CAN DO AND WHAT YOU CAN'T DO. IMPOSSIBLE IS PERMANENT. IMPOSSIBLE IS EVERYTHING.

Written by jihwan at 12:29 AM.

16 x 0 = 0

Ever stare into the mirror and wonder if your reflection is the real you, and you're its reflection?

It's intriguing.

Written by jihwan at 10:08 PM.

3 x 0 = 0

My ability to piece together a coherent, relevant entry has been snatched from me. Not knowing which way to go with this idea, I'll implement my foolproof method of deduction: when in doubt, make a list. And, as usual, the list will undoubtedly contain each of the categorical theories - plausible, not-so-plausible, implausible, and alien-conspiracy.

Reasons Jihwan can't put his thoughts together long enough to write a solid entry

1. I'm mentally exhausted from school. Which wouldn't be a bad theory, except the fact that it's just plain boring.

2. There is a walnut-sized tumor growing on my brain. The probability factor for this theory is a bit sketchy, not to mention it's downright scary. Although it might explain why my hats won't fit my head anymore...

3. My mom secretly arranged for a large chunk of my cerebral cortex to be surgically removed after knocking me out with a piece of cake injected with horse tranquilizers. I don't know why she wanted a part of my brain, but the evidence speaks for itself. Too bad I ate it.

4. Extraterrestrial humanoids from the planet Amnesiax have covertly replaced my neural fibers with a type of festering infestation only known to scientists in Area 51. If my sources are correct [and they never are], these cruel beings are in orbit around Earth as we speak, blocked from our satellites' view by hiding on the dark side of the moon. They have sent a probe down through the atmosphere to choose the smartest, handsomest, best human specimen it can find and take up a stance of espionage in my ear canal. Over a period of several months, it constantly replaced my brain mass with a plantlike bacteria from its home world. In doing so, the Amnesians were able to study the finest example of human creation. I am now revealing this to you with great risk of personal safety. If the probe discovered what I was doing right now, the consequences would be most dire. As by Amnesian invasion policy, the probe would commence a self-destruct sequence that would not only get rid of the evidence [in this case, me], but create an explosion so tremendous that it would create a rift in the space-time continuum and open up a black hole that would crush our sun and its nine planets into a single atom. Not only that, but --

wait... what's that beep?

Written by jihwan at 08:16 PM.

2 x 0 = 0

As you step outside, the silver sky seems endless, stretching its majesty as far as the eye can see. The crisp, cold air refreshes and revitalizes you, and you can feel cool prick of the raindrops hitting your face. The rain starts falling harder, and you see the droplets glisten as the most precious nature-cut diamonds fall to the impoverished earth. You lift your face up to the heavens to embrace the life-giving jewels of God.

How I loathe rainy days.

Written by jihwan at 08:55 PM.

5 x 0 = 0

Hey there, remember me? The little guy in the back of your head? The guy that steps in once in a while to keep you on track? Yeah, that's right. It's me, your conscience. Yeah. Jimminy Cricket.

I've got a bone to pick with you, you irresponsible jerk. Throughout your whole life, you made promises to me. I have them here in writing, scribbled onto this thing called "memory." As you fulfilled those promises, I would tabulate them and check them off the master list. I was just browsing through the list along with my morning coffee when I noticed that you still have a whole lot of boxes to check off, you lazy fuc boy.

What happened to the promise to do well in school? Hmm? You've got a long way to go if you want to fulfill that one. Let's see here... *flipflipflip*

Ah, yes. Dated January 1, 2003: "I promise to be more open-minded." I seem to have missed a check mark here, because you did keep that promise, did you not? No? That's right. You didn't.

May 2, 1998: "I promise to be a good Christian." You useless piece of... There are so many more, but for the sake of my blood pressure, I'm not gonna get into it.

All I'm saying is that you need to get your act together, you good-for-nothing piece of garbage. Don't piss me off. Because I'm getting pissed off. And when I get pissed off, I make certain visits to my good friend, Mr. Coronary Artery. And if he mysteriously decides to stop doing business, then guess what? You, Jihwan Kim, will most definitely kick the good 'ol bucket.

Don't worry, I still love you.

Written by jihwan at 12:46 AM.

1 x 0 = 0

I'm re-rethinking my reevaluation of my future again. Again. The whole doctor/businessman/lawyer thing that Koreans love so much is losing its appeal to me as time goes by. I thought I wanted to become a doctor - it seemed perfect, the kind of thing that you visualize yourself doing. You know, wearing the white lab coat, hurrying about doing God-knows-what, looking impeccable and extremely important.

But then there's the thing I enjoy. Writing. Not necessarily stories or poems, but more along the lines of articles and essays. I've been getting letters from places like Amherst, Cornell, and Georgetown, and I'm optimistic about doing what I like. Journalism, perhaps. Maybe even going as far as getting a Theology degree.

It's like having to choose between going to a Tchaikovsky Overture or a NBA All-star game. Both are incredibly appealing, yet polar opposites.

Not that my future has to be decided right now.

I just don't want to end up doing something I'll regret.

Written by jihwan at 10:42 PM.

3 x 0 = 0