Entries for June, 2003

Well, here it is. My own little plot of internet garden. The place where I can refine my writing skills, cultivate my personal goals and dreams, and watch as my life grows into full bloom. I don't know if anyone will know about this site, but that doesn't matter to me. All I need is a place to write down my thoughts and feelings so I don't go crazy.

If I can consistently record my thoughts and experiences, maybe in a few months, I can look back and observe my own progress as a person, through my successes and failures, my accomplishments and setbacks. With that goal in mind, welcome to my humble abode.

Written by jihwan at 10:47 PM.

I disagree!

Wow. It's been a YEAR since I've last checked. Time seems to fly by nowadays. It's been a year since i transferred schools. During the course of that year, I've made new friends, new memories, and new experiences that have been very influential in my high school career and life.

With one more week left before final exams, I have to keep reminding myself to keep my focus. I've made too many mistakes up until now, and I'm not going to mess it up. I just hope i can maintain a healthy relationship with others and keep my Christian life on track.

I hope I can live up to my life verse.

I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith..

-II Timothy 4:7-

Pray for me.

Written by jihwan at 12:12 AM.

I disagree!

It's amazing how music can take me away. I could flunk a math test, slam my car door on my foot, get tripped over the stairs by my sister, have my computer break down, and realize I have a project due tomorrow. It doesnt matter. I simply close my door, put my headphones on, and sing. Guess what? Nothing is bugging me anymore.

I didn't really realize just how much I listen to music. On the way to school, CD player's at max. At school, I'm walking along the halls with headphones. (or at least until my MD player gets confiscated.) At hakwon, I'm trying to be subtle about it. (until i get in trouble.) At home, whether I'm at my desk, on my bed, or on the floor, I'm singing along. (by the way, those 10 foot cords really help.)

For some people, sports is an outlet. For others, food is the escape. All I have to do is plug myself into the stereo, and the world is blocked out. Nothing can invade the priavacy of my headphones, and nothing bothers me.

Where would I be without music?

Written by jihwan at 10:26 PM.

1 x 0 = 0

I read a short statement today. It said, "Would the world have been a better place if you hadn't been born? Or have you somehow changed it in a positive way?"

That got me thinking. What have I done for the world? What have I contributed, what have I given? I think that most people these days tend to be inclined toward the idea that they aren't significant. "I'm just one person out of 6 billion, who cares if I do something I'm not supposed to do? What does it matter?"

I'm reminded of a simple farm boy who lived in a hand-built log house. He was barely literate, attended school up to elementary school, and never had two coins to rub together. His parents had died when he was young, and he was forced to get multiple jobs to support himself and his siblings. If I were in his position, I would have called it quits. I would've done anything I wanted to do, because, after all, one person doesn't matter, does it?

That person? None other than a man named Abraham Lincoln.

I feel that I should live my life to its fullest, no matter how trite the cliche may be. I'd like to think that even if I'm probably not going to become the President of the United States, I will accomplish something. Maybe people a hundred years from now will look back and take heart at what a normal kid from Los Angeles has done with what God has given him.

Written by jihwan at 08:24 PM.

I disagree!

I wanna let you in on a secret
I'm not who you think I am
In fact, my disguise is so thin
I'm surprised you haven't seen right through me.
I'm the guy of your dreams
Masquerading as your friend.
Sometimes, I wanna rip off this facade, but I can't,
Because you'll get scared and run away again.
So I've decided that it's better to live with a lie
Than to expose my true feelings.
I may not be the one you love today
But I'll let you go for now,
Hoping one day, you'll fly back to me, because
I think you're worth the wait.

Written by jihwan at 12:06 AM.

I disagree!

Today was profoundly relaxing. I just sat back and lost myself in a book, submerged in music. I can't remember the last time I was able to just let myself go and not have to worry about school. It was, in short, great.

It seems as though academics has been the first and foremost priority of my life, and it was such a relief to go back to being the laid-back person I've somehow lost due to this race for "higher education."

I'm going to have to remember to take a step back once in a while and remind myself that material success isn't everything. What's the use in making $300,000 a year if you can't enjoy the simple things in life? Am I to be so enamored with caviar and silk underwear that I'd forget about sitting on the couch watching the tube?

I hope I don't grow up to become a pompous ass.

Written by jihwan at 11:52 PM.

2 x 0 = 0

I've caught myself in a bad situation. My mindset these past few months has been, to myself, disappointing. I've constantly been walking the edge of the cliff, seeing how close I can get to the line without falling off.

With final exams coming up, I caught myself yesterday in class with a calculator. I was using it to calculate the lowest possible score I could get and still receive an A in the class. I then mentally slapped myself. What's happened to me? It used to be that I would try my best in everything I did. Now, it has come down to what I could get away with. I could blame so many things and factors in my life for this backslide. However, I'm not going to. Denial and rationalization, I've discovered, gets you nowhere. So I've come to accept the realization that I will lose my balance and fall if I don't do something about my own work ethic.

Whatever it is, I need to do it fast. I don't want to be sitting there, numb, grabbing desperately at the opportunities and chances that have passed me by. What could have, would have, and should have been is not going to further my future. Word of the week: Consistency.

Written by jihwan at 11:21 PM.

I disagree!

Man.. I didn't know studying for finals was this hard. I would know if I'd done it before, but I guess that's just me. Casually putting it off until tomorrow has been my thing, but that's changing. I've realized that maybe this "working hard" thing may have something to do with success. Why the sudden revelation? Maybe it's maturity, maybe it's insanity.

Whatever it is, it'd better pay off.

Written by jihwan at 07:59 PM.

I disagree!

Boy, do I feel stupid. For reasons I'm too ashamed to reveal, I not only have screwed up a year's worth of hard work, but may have also jeopardized my future goals.

You know what I would do if I were another person? I'd beat the crap out of me. I mean, seriously kick the living crap out of me. I'd grab me by the throat, slam me against the wall, grab my head and bring it down onto my knee, splattering my nose like an overripe tomato. Then I'd yank my arm back behind my back until I could scratch my head from the back. I'd drag my face over the gravel that's been fried by the California sun for a few hours, then proceed to shove pieces of glass and scrape my face bloody until I resembled something like a raw hamburger that's been mutilated by a metal meat tenderizer. Then I'd get one of those old medieval times maces and slam the 30 pounds of sharp metal onto my head while simultaneously gutting myself like a starving man attacking a beached whale. After all that, I'd get up and force myself to study more.

Yeah. Sounds fun, don't it?

Written by jihwan at 03:11 PM.

I disagree!

The school year draws to a close; I get one step closer to my goals and one step farther from my former achievments. All the preparations, the constant worrying, the jumble of books scattered on my bedroom floor, the procrastinated all-nighters, are all "for my own good," says those who have gone through all this before.

But I've realized that I have not given myself the opportunity to ponder a thought-out self explanation as to why I'm doing what I'm doing. Am I really furthering my own future? Or am I simply another pawn in the rat race society has dubbed "success?" What is success, anyway? Money? Fame? I've seen the news. Millionaires jumping out of windows, movie stars drugged up and half dead; on the other hand, I see people that don't have a proper meal a day going about, happy and full of life because they are doing what they love. Makes you think, doesn't it? What does this all boil down to? What is the true "American dream?" Common knowledge states that it's all about the "mean green" and the gleaming white teeth on the tube. But substantial evidence proves otherwise.

One word can mean so much. It can make you reconsider your direction in life, it can give you a new point to reach. It can make you, it can break you. If nothing else, it will bounce around in your head until your goldfish attention span wipes it away. But for the few seconds you ponder upon the word, you'll question yourself. And that's a good thing.

Just ask yourself: why?

Written by jihwan at 09:56 PM.

2 x 0 = 0

It happened again today. She greeted me with a smile and her little slap on my arm. My heart beat faster when she lightly held onto my shirt so that I wouldn't leave her standing there alone. I replied with a sarcastic comment and tried halfheartedly to pull away. The funny thing was, I felt like pulling her closer to me and holding her. I wanted to tell her how I felt; how all this time, I'd wanted something more than the friendly chats and the comfortable times together. But for me, common sense prevails over emotion. So I walked away with a casual wave and didn't look back. She seemed hurt.

What am I supposed to do? Showing my true feelings is out of the question. I know all too well what happens when a relationship goes bad. The aftermath isn't pretty. I'm stuck between two extremes. Do I go for it, and quite possibly ruin a deep-rooted friendship, or keep it in and silently suffer the pains of the secret none but I hold?

It's not like I'm ready for anything serious now, anyway. I have school to focus on, and prior experience tells me that even under good circumstances, it's either one or the other, no splitting sides. Girlfriend vs academics. Damn. What the hell am I supposed to do?

I wish I weren't such a jerk about this kind of thing.

Written by jihwan at 12:26 AM.

1 x 0 = 0

A couple friends and I were at a restaurant celebrating the last day of school. While taking a leak, I heard the door creak open and someone snickering. I had a pretty good idea who it was, so I gave him the most appropriate gesture I could under the circumstances.

It's good to have a camera-crazy friend peeking around restrooms taking your picture while you're taking a piss. If you don't have a buddy like that, go get yourself one. Just call 1-800-1FREAKS.

Written by jihwan at 10:04 PM.

3 x 0 = 0

Last night, as I was trying to get to sleep, I noticed a clock ticking in my room somewhere. Turns out it was my sister's Mashimaro alarm clock. I lay there for quite a while, thinking. I don't know why, but the ticking of a clock always reminds me of the ephemeral life that we all live.

Tick. There's a second that could've been used to do something worthwhile. Tick. Another second that I could've used to further my life. Tick. Whoops, there goes another one. It's enough to drive you crazy.

I literally got up and stuck that cursed clock under my bed to drown out the sound. But it's little harder to drown out your thoughts. What can I do with each and every second that goes by? What is worthy of the precious time that we have? TV? The Movies? Games? I don't know. But every time I come upon this subject, I promise myself to try harder, to utilize my time wisely. But after an hour, it's back to my normal life.

Get a clock. Take it into a quiet room. Sit there and listen to the incessant ticking. I promise you, it will make you think.

Written by jihwan at 06:49 PM.

1 x 0 = 0

I'm debating on whether on not to go to Korea toward mid-August. Because of scheduling problems, I'd only be able to be there for 10 days. I haven't been to Korea for 11 years, and I get 10 freakin days.

Oh well. I guess seeing my grandparents and aunts and uncles and all the cousins that were born after I came to America would be worth it. Plus, I can stock up on CDs while I'm over there (the equvalent of about 7 bucks at Korea)..

Yeah. I guess I have to look on the bright side. So there it is. Me and my sister. To Korea. The first time in over 10 years. It'll be great.

I hope.

Written by jihwan at 11:18 AM.

2 x 0 = 0

Yep. It's official. I'm sick. Why, oh why are summer colds the worst? Not that I'm running a fever or hallucinating or bumping into walls, but it's the annoyance factor that gets me.

When I go to sleep, my nose is so stuffed up that I have to breathe with my mouth. Imagine all the spiders that crawl into my mouth while I'm knocked out. I must be eating 3 a night. Plus, when I wake up in the morning, my mouth is all dry and full of dust. Bleh. Then, as soon as I stand up, all the crap in my nasal passage magically turns to liquid and starts flowing down my face like the fountain of youth. I have to stuff crap up my nose to stop the crap from getting on my clothes. Then, it's back to sleep again. Double Bleh.

I hate being sick.

Written by jihwan at 01:14 AM.

2 x 0 = 0

Well. My household is in a good mood today. At the beginning of June, I took the SAT II: Writing test. After months are excruciating class after class after class, leaving the house at 7, coming home at 8:30, diagnostic test after test, I finally did it.

This morning, after logging onto the collegeboard.com website, I noticed that my score was available before it was mailed home, at the cost of $13. I asked my mom to lend me her credit card, and after about 15 minutes of begging, finally got it. Well. I guess I have reason to hold my head up high. All the work and hours poured into this one-hour test has paid off. I am redeemed. Thank you, God. All the glory and thanks is to You. Thank you for guiding me and holding me upright, keeping me from faltering. Thank you.

Jihwan Kim, SAT II: Writing - Score: 800.

Written by jihwan at 12:11 PM.

2 x 0 = 0

My past experiences with summer schedules have spurred me to actually DO something about my disorganized summer life. There are just so many things, big and small, that need to be done, organized, straightened out, contemplated, and put aside. Therefore, I have invented a simple yet amazingly effective tool to keep myself on track. Introducing... *drumroll*... THE CHECKLIST!!

Here's an example.

Things to get done over the summer:

1) Get through Mr. Riley's chemistry class with an A (groan)
2) Finish these SAT prep classes once and for all (double groan)
3) Practice audition piece for the concertmaster seat in orchestra
4) Get fingerboard sanded down on violin
5) Re-string guitar
6) Prepare for trip to Korea (yeeeeHAW!!)

...and it goes on like that. Easy, isn't it? Now, YOU can try it at home! all you need is a piece of paper and a pen! No need to thank me, folks. I'm just a humble fella making the world a better place.

If you would like to make donations (preferably Jacksons and Ben Franklins), just let me know. I'd be happy to accept your show of gratitude.

Written by jihwan at 11:36 AM.

I disagree!

Yesterday, I was shelving books at the library (yes, I'm such an upstanding citizen) and was getting really annoyed at the large number and sheer combined bulk of female writers' books. Especially Nora Roberts. Out of curiosity, I opened some of her books to do a little skimming. For wheezing, twitching Uncle Salazar's sake. ALL of her books go something like this:

As she sipped the strong tea, a rush of memories flooded her, and a painful remembrance of what had been a fulfiling love stabbed her like so many needles in her back. Silently staring at the dark liquid, she sighed as a light breeze whipped around her ankles in flurries of hot Tennessee summer. What had gone wrong? Was it the way she'd always held back? Her mind drifted to her childhood, a life filled with anxiety because of the silent coldness with which she was treated by her foster parents. It had all collapsed... She was jolted back into reality by the sharp knock on the door. Who could it be? She opened the screen and with no visible surprise, invited her cousin, Mary Sue, in. Together, they sat in the balcony, sipping warm Chamomile and talking about the nostalgia for what was no longer possible. The sun slowly set over the horizon, enveloping them in a dark envelope of isolation.

Man, I can't believe I just wrote all that crap. Anyway, that's the plot of all of her books. Weak, regretful women sitting on their lazy butts poring over old dusty memories over a cup of tea. But the genious of Nora Roberts doesn't stop there, ladies and gentlemen. She has VARIATION. "WAIT! Let's put a little variety into these stories! There could be THREE women! Or even better! COFFEE, instead of tea! No one expected THAT! Or, let's make the setting a lawn in Alabama, instead of a patio in Georgia! YES!! And now, with the 500 pages of nonstop thrilling TEA SIPPING, I can make money by putting my readers into comas!!"

sigh. It looks like I'm back to my cynical self once more.

Written by jihwan at 05:14 PM. Filed under Rants.

3 x 0 = 0